India of my dreams
Back home. Back to the place where I was born and where I grew up. I should feel warm, secure, relaxed. So why am I so anxious and worried?
I don’t want to get into an all depressive speech but it is a fact that this country doesn’t seem more at my eyes than sad. I tell you what happened in the airport in London. I had to wait a few hours sitting in the airport, as you can imagine a lot of people passed by me and it was hard when I realized that I was no longer in that warm country called India. I was in a strong yellow skirt and wearing slippers, contrasting with all the rest, in black winter clothes. The faces perfectly perfect, no sweat and a lot of make-up, as well as they had the hair in cared hairstyles. No one gives a look back, no one sees anyone. Not a word, not a smile, not a wink, nothing. Between all the dark moving bodies I started to see color, to see a floor made of yellow dust, orange turbans, tanned tummies, sparkling sarees and floating scarves. I noticed that those people don’t really seem like people, they are far from that, the way they act, the way they walk. I had forgotten these minds, what they think and care about, they are disguised, they are so far… Far from their roots, from their real needs, from the animal they are and this breaks me in the inside. What makes me nervous is this society, full of manners and prejudice, where people are so full of themselves and already forgot the meaning of help.
Of course I can’t generalize and that this state of spirit as to do with a lot of personal issues such as the uncertainty of the future, a thesis to do, a job to find. Also, it is true that Portugal is a good country, clean, safe, beautiful and the people, though their peculiarity of being “labregos” they can be a pretty funny people.
But there… there you only need to exist, everything comes to you. You are in the world, no need to keep searching for it. No fear. As I realized when I reflected about religion in a previous post, you only need to believe, believe in whatever you want. No harm will come to you on that country/world of trust and faith if you decide so.
Plus, when you go out is when you are free from all the social context limitations and influences and when you can discover more about yourself and be able to go further, on your tastes, on your skills, on your adventures and independence.
Part of me is now on the other side of the Earth and it ain’t easy. It is hard when home is not only in one place, when it is in Portugal, Turkey and India, when we can’t have the people we love at a distance of a cab. Half of me is now empty in an empty place and I miss that one where I only used to see beauty, where I was in love with everything and with everyone.